Never been to a fetish club before and planning on going solo? Read this article for my top tips for newbies.


I personally love going fetish clubbing alone. It means that I am free to mingle and manage my energy levels as I need from moment to moment. I am an experienced fetish clubber though, so the environments are familiar to me and I know a lot of people. Whereas if you’re a newbie, it can be pretty daunting going to a fetish club for the first time even with friends, let alone by yourself.

You can adopt some of my strategies though. I think you can have an excellent time, with some forethought. Here are my top tips.

Tip 1: Set your intentions

Knowing what your reasons are for attending Torture Garden is an excellent starting point to maximizing your experience. Are you going because there is a particular kink you want to experience? Is it a way of indulging your curiosity? Or are you looking to connect with other people whom you might have common interests with?

When you know your reasons for attending Torture Garden, you can set some intentions for the night. For example, you might just be curious and so your intention might be to enjoy the visual spectacle and absorb the atmosphere. That kind of broad intention means that you have minimal expectations of what happens and makes many possibilities for enjoyment possible.

Alternatively, if your reasons are to explore a kink or connect with other people, you might end up having more specific intentions like receiving your first flogging, or talking to people about something like cross-dressing. On the one hand, having a specific intention like these is great in that it will help you to orient your behaviour towards your interests during the event, but on the other hand it could set you up for disappointment if you do not manage your own expectations.

My advice is to set some intentions but keep an open mind as to what might happen and do your best to find positive experiences in whatever transpires.

Anything can be a valuable learning experience if you are willing to see it in that light. It’s all data for your larger self to process and add to your understanding of the new world in which you find yourself. These things can also take days to filter through your nervous system, while your mind and body catch up with each other, so don’t be too quick to pass judgment. Let it all wash over you, be kind with yourself, and give yourself a little debrief a couple of days afterwards.

Tip 2: Know who you are

When I go to a fetish club I know that I am a curious kinkster who does not often want to engage in play at events, but someone who enjoys intellectual discussion about kink with others, witnessing other peoples’ emotional experiences, holding space, dancing and generally having playful fun with my friends.

Who I am has evolved and changed over the years, but I always endeavour to be in touch with who I am on any given day that I am attending an event.

I encourage you to not only think about yourself generally as a person in a fetish club i.e. your interests and experiences (even if these are only theoretical at this stage) but also who are you on the day.

How does your body feel? How is your state of mind? How are you feeling emotionally?

You don’t need to share those with anyone, but it does help if you are holding your whole self in your own awareness. This understanding will help you to know where your boundaries are and to maintain them.

Having a few little set-pieces of phrases to say to people to describe yourself is helpful too, and I’ll come onto that in the next tip. But knowing who you are is the foundation that you build your communication upon.

Tip 3: Plan what you will say

It’s easy to get tongue-tied or not know what to say in the moment. I am a firm believer in thinking about things to say in advance of saying them, and even practising saying them out loud so you know how the words feel as they form in your mouth. Feel them resonate in your body and begin to feel confident that these represent who you want to show up as. If you have done this, the words will be more within your reach when you want them. Things you have thought about and said before can be verbalised more easily.

This isn’t like an interview where you need to have long answers composed. You just need a few easy pieces to draw upon in common scenarios like introducing yourself to a new person, excusing yourself from a situation, asking someone about themselves, or communicating a boundary.

It might seem too simple to bother thinking about but trust me, if you’re new to this it will help you and reduce the chances of you getting flustered in the moment. What’s the harm – worried this is a silly thing to do?

This is for you and your own confidence levels, so I highly recommend you give it a go.

Tip 4: Understand your needs

Do you have privacy needs? Some people prefer not to share their legal name at fetish clubs. If you’ve taken tip 3 on board, you will have decided already how you will introduce yourself.

Privacy needs might also extend to what details you exchange if you connect to someone you want to stay in touch with e.g. phone number, social profiles. Most people these days are aware that sharing phone numbers can inadvertently expose their social profiles to being found by others, so that is something to think about. If you’re someone to whom privacy is very important, then setting up a profile on a site like fetlife or the Torture Garden app can be a useful way of compartmentalising your private and kinky lives.

Other needs can include things like personal space, movement, touch, refreshments, and somewhere to physically rest.

Understanding these needs is how you begin to devise strategies for meeting those needs. I understand that I have needs for all those things listed and I make sure that I monitor my energy levels so that I know when to intervene on myself e.g. by asking people to move away from me, going to sit down somewhere, going for a walk or dance, asking for a hug, and getting regular drinks of water.

When I attend a venue that is new to me, the first thing I do is scout around to assess where the places are that I will go to meet my needs.

Other things you can do

Even if you intend to go alone, you could still explore the relevant event’s community online beforehand via various apps* and membership sites**. In these online spaces, you can connect to other members, talk about events, and even arrange to say “hi” if you see each other at an event. It can be a valuable way of breaking the ice and easing some nerves, without there being any obligation on you to take things further.

You could also think about all the awesome outcomes from your first experience, such as learning something new about yourself, enjoying wearing a new outfit, feeling free, expressing yourself, and immersing yourself in a community that is a stalwart of the global fetish scene.

Holding these positive experiences in your awareness will increase the likelihood of you accessing the feelings of joy and excitement that you have within yourself.

If you pass by the dungeon and I’m monitoring the space, feel free to say “hi” to me too, it’s great when people read these blogs – I appreciate it!

*Torture Garden

**The Social Network for the BDSM, Fetish & Kinky Community | FetLife


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