Sometimes you want to have sex, but your body needs to be persuaded.

If the desire has shown up alone, you need to do things to build arousal in your body. I like to teach couples ways of building arousal that are not obvious. In this blog, I share 5 ways to build arousal that do not involve kissing or genital touch.

Stroking or rubbing back and shoulders

Tell your partner that you would love them to stroke or rub your back and shoulders. Receiving this intimate touch will help you to relax, get blood flowing and sensitise you to touch elsewhere on your body if you want them to go further.

Deep breathing with attention focused on pelvic area

You can do these breathing exercises on your own as part of self-pleasuring or during play with a partner. Lay down comfortably and close your eyes. You might want to place one or both hands on your abdomen – feel what is best for you. Breathe in slowly and deeply through your nose, expanding your abdomen, then exhale slowly and fully through your mouth as you gently contract your abdomen and pelvic floor muscles. Focus your attention on your perineum. If you like, visualise that your perineum is acting as a bellows, drawing air in as you inhale and spreading heat around your pelvis as you exhale. Making a sound when you exhale will help more blood flow to the pelvic area, increasing sensation.

Massaging the lower limbs starting at the feet and working up the thighs

Receiving touch to your lower limbs and working upwards will stimulate blood flow, especially towards the genitals, which makes it a great activity connect intimately with a partner and begin to slowly build arousal in the body without it feeling like there is a rush towards orgasm.

Reading erotic literature

The imagination is a powerful tool. Have you ever woken up from a dream feeling horny? Your imagination did all the work without you receiving physical touch. In the same way, reading erotic literature can be a great way of building arousal, without a partner being required. Or you could let your partner know what you have been reading and tell them how horny it is making you, which is bound to help you both become more aroused before you begin touching each other.


Giving or receiving impact play, such as spanking, can be a fun way to connect intimately with a partner. Being spanked can create psychological and emotional reactions that create arousing sensations, and the increased blood flow to a spanked bottom can help genitals swell with pleasure. For the partner giving impact play, they may feel excited by the sensations they create in their partner and enjoy the intimacy.

To have a varied love life it is important to try different things. Receiving digital or oral stimulation is lovely but can become boring if it is the immediate go-to during foreplay.

Those are 5 ways to build arousal but there are many many more!

Contact me for a consultation if you would like to talk about intimacy and ways to build arousal in your play.

Stay safe and sexy,

DT xx